One Year Ago Today

I moved to Melbourne exactly one year ago today.
The intervening 12 months have been filled with so many aspects of what makes life rich that I just don’t know where to begin: Do I start with finding Love again? Do I start with losing my closest friend? The threads that have connected the chapters of my life over the last year are tenuous yet strong. There is a beginning, a middle and an end (which effectively is just another beginning). All I know is that I’m still working on it, this confounding story. All I know is that 2007 could not have ended on a darker, more tragic note. All I know is that 2008 could not have begun on more magical, joyous terms… yet I dip and I dive, I climb and I soar. I’m still working on it. All I know is that I’m just as glad to be here now as I was on March 31, 2007.

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Redfield Sketch Master 1.15 for Adobe Photoshop
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Adobe Acrobat 7.0 Pro
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Autodesk AutoCAD Mechanical 2007
Microsoft Visio 2003 Pro
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Save Flash v4.1
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Quicken 2004 Premier Home And Business
Kodak Eastman Digital Roc Pro 2.0 for Adobe Photoshop
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DVD TO MP3 RIPPER v3.0.0.3
XChat 2.8
Ada email Search XP Gold Bundle 2.2
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Adobe After Effects CS3
Microsoft Windows 2000 Professional with SP4
iDo Wedding and Event 8.1.235
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Lokas Software Artistic Effects 1.5 for Photoshop
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Direct Mailer 1.08
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DentiMax v1.1
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Shadow Illuminator Pro 2.1 for Adobe Photoshop
Macromedia Flash MX 2004
Kerio Network Monitor v2.1.1
PDF Filler Pilot 1.28
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NetZoom for Network Diagramming 5.0
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Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended
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Gagetrak 6.12
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Statistica Neural Networks 4.0
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Rumba Office 7.4
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TaskInfo 7.2
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Blink Development 3D Box Maker Professional 2
Alt-N.MDaemon 9.6.3
Trapcode Particular 1.5 For Adobe After Effect
ACE Contact Manager 6.2.2
Alt-N.MDaemon 9.6.3
Microsoft Windows 2000 Advanced Server with SP4
Oracle Maestro 7.10.0.1
KPT 6 Full (Great Photoshop Plugins)
Macromedia Contribute 2.0
MapInfo MapXtreme 2005 6.6.0.428
Desacc Digital Jacket Pro 4.5
Network Sleuth 1.1
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Trados 7 Freelance
CorelDRAW Graphics Suite X3
Macromedia Freehand MX
OroTimesheet 5.22
AceReader Pro Deluxe Network 5.0.1.2
StarNet X-Win32 8.1
Adobe Premiere Pro 7
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cdrLabel 7.1
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Ripple Screensaver 3.2
Adobe InDesign CS2 v4.0
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Elite Software Refrig 3.0.72
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ISMail EP v3.3.875
MapInfo Professional 8.5
UltraISO Premium Edition 8.6
Kerio Mail server 5.1.8
ZeallSoft Super Webcam RecBuy v4.0
Super Utilities 7.8
Product Key Explorer v1.9
Microsoft OneNote 2003 Pro
Ada Email Address Search XP 5.28
Fixerlabs Shadowfixer v1.1 for Photoshop
Bw Styler v1.01 For Adobe Photoshop
Sothink SWF Quicker 3.0
Graphicxtras Andrew Plugins Collection 1.08 for Adobe Photoshop
Search Engine Builder Pro 1.77
Knoll Light Factory 2.5 For After Effects
GFI FAXmaker for Networks SMTP 12.0
Download Accelerator Plus 7.0.1.3
Diskeeper Professional Edition v9.0
Shenprofessional 2.0
Search Engine Builder Pro 1.77
Adobe Illustrator CS
NaviPlan Extended Ca 8.3b
Shadow Security Scanner 7.101.202
Genie Backup Manager Professional V6.0.0.1621
VanDerLee UnPlugged-X 2.0 for Adobe Photoshop
Microsoft Picture It Photo Premium 9
WordPerfect Document Converter Enterprise 4.1
Active Fax Server 4
VirusScan Professional 9.0
Microsoft Office 2004 for MAC
Autodesk Mechanical Desktop 2004
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Cisco CDP Monitor 3.01
Ef Duplicate Files Manager V1.40
HDD Regenerator V1.41
Writers Cafe 1.24
PaloAlto Business Plan Pro 2007 Premier Edition 9.06
Microsoft Plus! XP
123pet 6.0.5
CD Eject Tool 2.7
Mindjet MindManager Pro 7.0.429
Electrasoft 32bit Email Broadcaster 9.68
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Minitab Quality Companion 2.1.0.0
Bitkinex 2.93
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Plaxis Professional 8.2
Depth Of Field Generator PRO 3.0 for Adobe Photoshop
PCPrivacySoftware Wiper Wizard 2.40
McAfee E-Businness Server v8.0
Autodesk Civil 3D 2006
Webroot Spy Sweeper 5.5
CreateInstall Pro v.2003.3.5
Wordflash 2.5
Panopticum Fire 3 for Photoshop
EMC Dantz Retrospect Multi Server 7.5.
McAfee SpamKiller 6.0
Merak Email Server Professional Suite 8.0.3
Adobe Acrobat 3D
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Microsoft Office 97 SR2
Autodesk 3ds Max 8
Adobe Contribute CS3
Hackman Suite Pro 9.01
Microsoft Exchange Server Enterprise 2003
Internet Business Promoter v9.6
Microsoft Windows 2000 Professional with SP4
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Bitdefender Client Professional Plus V8.0.138
Adobe InDesign CS2
Ektron eWebEditPro 5.1.0.38
CrazyTalk 4.5 Media Studio
Email Hunter 1.0
Quest Spotlight On Sql Server
Batchsync ftp 2.0
Geo Log Analyzer1.48
Pointdev Ideal Migration 4.2
Imagineer Systems Monet 2.1.2
Revision Effects Reflex 3.0 for After Effects
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Stat-Ease Design Expert 7.0
TestTrack Pro 7.1
Acoustica CDDVD Label Maker v3.1
321 Video Converter v1.2
Adobe Illustrator CS
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Adobe After Effects 7
PdfFactory Pro 3.17 Server Edition
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Delcam Featurecam 2007
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Registry Help Pro v1.56
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Adobe Acrobat 6 professional
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Autodesk Architectural Desktop 2006
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Sonar 3.1.1 Producer Edition
Ada Email Extractor XP v2.8
Canvas 7.0 Standard Edition (Single X-Platform)
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Adobe Illustrator CS3
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Microsoft Office XP Professional
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Corel Photobook 10.3
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Windows Vista Ultimate
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Adobe After Effects 7
TamoSoft CommTraffic 3.0.2110
Adobe Encore DVD 1.5
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Adobe Illustrator CS3
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Flaming Pear Superblade Pro 1.4 for Adobe Photoshop
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Windows 2003 Server Standart Edition - Full
Photo Collage Maker v1.4
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Macromedia Dreamweaver MX 2004
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Digital Film Tools 55Mm v7.0 Photoshop Plug-In
Statistica Neural Networks 4.0
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PDF Filler Pilot 1.28
Adolix PDF Converter 3.2
WinASO Disk Cleaner v2.0
Autodesk AutoSketch 9.0
Touratech QV Professional 4.0 MultiLanguage
Imagineer Systems Mokey 4.1
Microsoft Picture It Photo Premium 9
Microsoft Streets and Trips 2004
Network Automation AutoMate Enterprise Edition 6.2.2.0
Corel Painter 9.5
Microsoft Windows XP Professional SP2
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Air Messenger Pro 7.0.5
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Symantec Norton Antivirus 2005
Bid-n-Invoice General Invoice 1.5
Template Studio pro 1.7
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Digital Film Tools 55Mm v7.0 Photoshop Plug-In
Quest Spotlight On Oracle v4.5
Nikon DSLR CSPro 1.1 for Adobe Photoshop
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Microsoft Windows Millennium Edition
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Ultra Video to Flash Converter v2.0 2007
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Canon DSLR Resize Pro 1.1 for Adobe Photoshop
Ulead MediaStudio Pro 8
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Fixerlabs Focusfixer 1.3 For Adobe Photoshop
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Revisionfx Reelsmart Motion Blur 3.2 for Adobe After Effects
Photoshop Elements 3.0
Autodesk AutoCAD Mechanical 2007
ISpQ VideoChat 8
Prism Suite 7.1
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Absolute MP3 Splitter Converter 2.7
Steinberg Nuendo v3.0.2.623
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ZoneAlarm Pro 7.0
Site Publisher 2.5
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DocuXplorer v4.0.8
ESP Electronic Survey Program 3.26
Auto FTP Manager 3.4
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IDpack Plus v7.1.1 Final
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Microsoft Money 2005 Deluxe
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Web Studio 4.4
Ultra Video to Flash Converter v2.0 2007
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MySecretFolder 4.31
Radiant ProMetric 8.5
Asiva Sharpen and Soften 2.2 for Adobe Photoshop
Desktop Authority 7.05
Trados TM Server 7.1
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Uniplot 5.4
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IBM Lotus Domino 6.5.4
Adobe Dreamweaver CS3
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Microsoft PhotoDraw 2.0
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Apollo MPEG to DVD Burner 3.8
Stonecube PrintDevizor 2.2
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Helix Universal Internet Server 9.0.2.794
Alien Skin Image Doctor 2.0 for Adobe Photoshop
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ZeallSoft Super Webcam RecBuy v4.0
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DocuCom PDF Gold 7.85
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Adobe Premiere Elements 3.0
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Markzware FlightCheck Pro 5.8
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CuteFTP 8.1 Professional Edition
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Webdrive 7.3
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Super Email Extractor 2.73
NCSS PASS GESS Statistical And Data Analysis v2007
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Apolisoft Font Fitting Room Deluxe v2.9
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Quickbooks Enterprise Solutions 8.0
CorelDRAW Graphics Suite X3
Digital Anarchy Backdrop Designer 1.1 for Adobe Photoshop
Macromedia Contribute 2.0
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MindManager X5 Pro
Web Response Grabber Business 5.0
PdfFactory Pro 3.20
Kingdia Apple TV Video Converter 1.1.1
1CLICK DVD Copy v5.4.1.3
Microsoft Visio 2003 Pro
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Bee Icons v4.0
Adobe Illustrator CS2
Microsoft Picture It Photo Premium 9
NetOp School 5.00.2006144
Small Business Inventory Control 5.5
StageTools Moving Picture 5.06 for Adobe After Effects
Active Desktop Calendar v7.32
Macromedia Flash MX 2004
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Ada Email Address Search XP 5.28
Porno Links XP 1.4
Rumba Office 7.4
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Gammadyne Mailer 31.0
Webcam Video Capture 1.9
Quark Express 6.0
Statsoft Statistica 6.0
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Alias Maya 7.0 Unlimited
Redfield Plasteroid 1.31 for Adobe Photoshop
Rumba Office 7.4
DVD Ripper 6.2
Rental Property Tracker Plus 1.7
Redfield Sketch Master 1.15 for Adobe Photoshop
WinAVI Video Converter 9.0
Acala Video MP3 Ripper 2.9.1
Photoshop Elements 3.0
History Sweeper v2.91
Primavera Project Planner 3.3
Elite Software Fire 6.02.11
A-Z MPEG VCD DVD Video Converter 4.3
Canam Software Labs TurboData pro 4.00
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Steelray Project Viewer 3.1
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Digital Anarchy Primatte Chromakey 2.1 for Adobe Photoshop
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Alchemy Eye Pro 8.7.4
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Cakewalk Project5 (Soft Synth Workstation)
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PowerCmd 1.4
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Panopticum Fire 3 for Photoshop
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Autodesk 3ds Max 9
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The Imaging Factory NoiseReduction Pro 2.0
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Maxon Cinema 4D R10 STUDIO Bundle
dupeGuru Music Edition v5.3
Autodesk Architectural Desktop 2006
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TamoSoft CommTraffic 3.0.2110
Redfield Sketch Master 1.15 for Adobe Photoshop
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ARTS PDF Aerialist Professional 1.2 for Adobe Acrobat
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Microsoft Office 2004 for MAC
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WRQ Reflection X v13.0
Adobe Flash CS3 Professional
DocuCom PDF Gold 7.85
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StarNet X-Win32 8.1
CreateInstall Pro v.2003.3.5
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MetaProducts Portable Offline Browser 4.6
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Mac OS X 10.4.3 MAC
Winternals Administrators Pak 5.0
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Spam Defender Pro 5.0.b
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ChemPoint Professional 6.2 Unicode
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Acunetix Web Vulnerability Scanner 4
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WebMarshal 3.7
Recover My Files 3.9.8.5848
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LandlordMax Property Management 2.12e
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Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended
AdMuncher v.4.6
Copernic Agent Professional 6.12
Corel WordPerfect MAIL 2
CA eTrust Internet Security Suite 3.2.0.7
VMware ACE Manager 1.0
DocRepair 2.20.0720
Ashampoo Burning Studio v7.2
Adobe Premiere PRO 2.0
Symantec Norton Internet Security™ 2006
Blumentals Rapid HTMLPad 2007 v8.0
CD Eject Tool 2.7
Adobe Illustrator CS2
Steganos Internet Trace Destructor 7.1.6
URL Organizer 2.4
MyLife Small Business Organizer Suite 5.85
Search Engine Composer 5.7
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Yellow Pages Super Grabber 2.02c.134
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PDF Maker Pilot 1.30
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Web Studio 4.4
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Kerio Network Monitor v2.1.1
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WindowFX 2.12
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Adobe Creative Suite Standard Full
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Image for Windows 1.40a
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Geo Log Analyzer1.48
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Alias Maya 6.0 Unlimited
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The Imaging Factory NoiseReduction Pro 2.0
TamoSoft CommTraffic 3.0.2110
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AceReader Pro Deluxe Network 5.0.1.2
Graphicxtras Andrew Plugins Collection 1.08 for Adobe Photoshop
Kerio Network Monitor v2.1.1
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Digital Film Tools 55Mm v7.0 Photoshop Plug-In
Hackman Suite Pro 9.01
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Nero 6 Ultra Edition
TradingSolutions 3.0
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PocoMail 4.1
Power Video Converter 1.5
Acunetix Web Vulnerability Scanner 4

1 comment March 31st, 2008

Damnable Vegetarians Make Me Sick

I am presently seeking a new house to live in, and today received an email response to a query I made about a place I enquired about last week, which included this:

“As the new arrival and I are both vegans, we have decided we are going to make vegetarianism a requirement rather than a suggested attribute. I apologise if this excludes you as a candidate, but if it doesn’t, let me know and we can tee up a time to interview you to check out the remaining room.”

Here is the response I emailed back:

Hi Blake,

Ben

1 comment March 6th, 2008

A quick note about the new NIN record.

This is how you release an album online. Take note, Radiohead.

I’m also pretty happy that this NIN album is composed of instrumental tracks. At last, I get to enjoy Trent Reznor’s arguably still excellent production work without his ridiculous lyrics.

Add comment March 3rd, 2008

On Blade Runner - “Final Cut”

Being an unashamed fan of ‘Blade Runner’ since I first saw the film as a teenager in the late ‘80’s, I developed a new appreciation for the film in 1992 when the first “Director’s Cut” emerged. As the ‘fans’ learned in the following years, this ‘Director’s Cut’, although a closer approximation of Ridley Scott’s vision than the original theatrical release, was not overseen directly by Scott and was effectively another compromised version of his film.

The (oft regarded as superfluous) narrative was removed, however, and most importantly the ridiculous ‘happy ending’ was cut. We also saw the introduction of the ‘unicorn’ sequence which, as far as Ridley Scott is concerned, leaves no question as to whether or not Deckard is a replicant when considered in relation to the paper unicorn which Gaff leaves for Deckard at the close of the film. Whilst for some, the narrative contributed something worthwhile to the film, it is widely regarded (particularly by the director himself as well as Harrison Ford, who only read his voice-over lines under the weight of contractual obligation) as a needless, heavy-handed way of spoon-feeding the audience what they would work out for themselves if they actually watched the film.

Since this ‘Director’s Cut’ was released, I have followed the various forums and rumour-trails online concerning the existence of deleted scenes, Scott’s dissatisfaction with the ‘Director’s Cut’ (which he was merely a ‘consultant’ on), and yet another, ‘definitive’ director’s cut which Ridley Scott supposedly completed back around 2002. As the present Blade Runner ‘Final Cut’ box set indicates, it was all true, and I’ve been waiting 5 years for his final version of the film to be officially released. There were evidently legal issues (ownership rights etc) preventing the film from being released, hence the long wait. As thrilled as I was about this Actual Director’s Cut seeing the light of day (having been long aware of the original film’s flaws vs the original intention of the director vs budget restraints etc), I was afraid that Scott might pull a “Lucas” and tinker the life out of what is arguably his most important film, next to “Alien”.

I am relieved to be able to say that Ridley Scott has used the resources at his disposal as an “A List” director to simply ‘correct’ the glaring errors which marred the film and apply some subtle but highly effective ‘fixes’ to some small production issues. Unlike George Lucas, who utterly raped his own work and actually added new characters, space ships and various creatures to what was otherwise beautifully crafted, Scott has applied the same technology to much more subtle effect: Removing the black cables which were used to lift the ‘spinners’ as they take off, removing the little glob of blood from Deckard’s face in shots preceding the ‘Leon’ fight sequence (which presented a continuity flaw in the original), and perhaps more significantly, carefully superimposing Joanna Cassidy’s face / hair over that of the hastily bewigged stuntwoman who plays ‘Zora’ as she crashes through glass during her death scene. This last change represents some significant CG ‘tinkering’, however it a) looks real and b) looks a hell of a lot better than that stupid wig that was thrown on the stuntwoman in the original. Personally, I can see how these various ‘flaws’ could be regarded as part of the original film’s ‘character’, but the film makers didn’t want them to happen in the first place, and the fixes that Scott has applied all represent improvements. He hasn’t pissed all over his beautiful set pieces by adding lens flares, new space craft etc – all he’s done is clean up the original film stock for the cleanest possible transfer (there are lens flares to be seen – but they were all part of the original work, completed “in camera”).

What Scott has done in this process is make the work of the model makers, lighting techs, cinematographer, painters etc all the more astonishing, because even with this crisp transfer, the production is basically flawless – and looks better than most of the CG sets we see in this genre these days.

There are a few ‘new’ shots here and there (read ‘’filmed in 1982 but not included until now”) – but the sequences which have been discussed over the years (the Deckard / Holden ‘Hospital’ scene for example) remain cut, and wisely so, as the film was already structurally ‘sound’ and of a comfortable length. They are compiled, though, as part of a separate disc of extras, and when played together, what we get is a kind of ‘alternative’ Blade Runner short film running some 45 or so minutes. I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before some fanboy with a lot of time on his hands cuts together the maximum length possible “Blade Runner” feature using this footage.

Ridley Scott has used the wonders of modern technology to repair the glaring faults with “Blade Runner” and bring what was already a beautiful film to its ultimate conclusion. I’ve just fallen in love with this film all over again.

Add comment January 21st, 2008

Radiohead: Pushing Sloppy, Low Bitrate Shit onto Their Fans

This is old news, but early last month, UK band Radiohead made an announcement via their webpage that their new album, “In Rainbows”, would be released in a mere 10 days. No hoopla, no bells, no whistles – just a modest announcement followed by the music less than a fortnight later. The nature of the ‘release’ would represent an unprecedented step for this highly idiosynchratic band, in that it would be in the form of an mp3 zip-archive, downloadable from their website, at a price to be decided by the downloader (including zero, which is approximately what I would pay for a pathetic little 160kbps mp3 archive). Alternatively, the discerning Radiohead fan could opt to pay a whopping £40 for the “discbox”, comprising of a packaged CD and vinyl LP.

The band have evidently conducted a very successful experiment, if particular online reports concerning the income from the mp3 download payments are true.

Radiohead are just about the only ‘big’ internationally successful rock band that I bother following with more than passing interest. I have consistently listened to all of their albums, save their forgettable debut, for years now. They give me my fix of ‘whiny angst rock’ as well as my dose of ‘intelligent avant-garde electro-rock’ and a whiff of all manner of other postmodern, dare I say pretentious musical categorizations. Their music is always carefully crafted and beautifully produced. This is why I am appalled that they chose to distribute their album (at least in the lead-up to an international CD release through XL) exclusively in a format which is not only lossy but very obviously so: mp3 encoded at 160kbps.

(I say ‘exclusively’ despite the ‘discbox’ option because a) it costs a ridiculous £40 and b) the decision to impose the vinyl onto CD buyers and the CD onto vinyl buyers by packaging them together is totally idiotic).

High quality mp3 encodings are not necessarily discernibly lossy to the human ear, but anyone who isn’t going deaf will attest to the undeniably ‘squishy’ sound of anything encoded at less than 192kbps (save perhaps for music encoded via AAC). I may be just another ‘bedroom recording artist’ but I can tell you right now that after sweating over my latest mix for 3 weeks, the last thing I would do is bounce it down to be shared exclusively in an outdated, piss-poor low bit-rate mp3 format. 192kbps to send via email, sure, but 160? You’ve got to be kidding.

I just can’t believe that Radiohead, a band who has made slavish attention to detail a hallmark of their work, would be happy to distribute their latest album in such a poor quality format. It reeks of cynicism (if not utter stupidity), as surely a band who runs a ‘blog and seems to keep a finger on the pulse of the Modern World as much as they do, would be aware of the accessibility of lossless audio formats such as FLAC and SHN. If they really wanted to circumvent the usual record industry red tape, and appeal to their fans directly, they would have offered a range of internet download options ranging from what is arguably the ‘base’ or ‘entry level’ mp3 encoding standard of 192, right through to FLAC. This would not only have demonstrated respect for their own music, but also for their fans – and music lovers – who are not all MOR technophobes who couldn’t tell the difference between their own hands and feet, let alone an mp3 file encoded at 160 and a lossless audio file.

Once again, if the reports are true, Radiohead could have stood to have made a hell of a lot more money from the venture: From people like me, for example, who would have gladly forked out a few bob to buy a lossless archive directly from the band. This (ie downloadable lossless audio files) is quite possibly the Way of the Future for the (commercial) distribution of new music, and it’s environmentally friendly, too. Radiohead may have made a few bucks by offering some squishy dribble to a few hundred thousand schnooks, but they really did fuck this one up.

I have avoided, and will continue to avoid listening to anything from “In Rainbows” until it is available in a format which will do it justice – even if its creators evidently couldn’t give a toss if a lousy, low bitrate raping of their work is the only way the bulk of their fans will be able to hear it in the meantime…. and as a final ‘fuck you,’ to Radiohead, I won’t be paying for it, either.

2 comments November 9th, 2007

Crash. Start.

In the aftermath of my friend’s tragic and senseless death, I’ve not once considered moving back home to Adelaide, despite often feeling lost, understood by nobody near. I’m staying here, in this sprawling city, but I have to regain some self confidence and climb out of my stagnant little tub of inertia.

Without Tim, it feels like I was famous once, but now noone knows who I am. I accept that – but it’s going to be hard to forge a strong bond with someone again, despite, or perhaps because of the fact that I want it so much. I’m not wracked with sadness anymore, but I still haven’t resumed making music. I feel stuck. I want to be inspired by someone, when I am surrounded by inspirational things – a lovely new city, books, music, trouble…

Things just seem to keep going wrong. Two weeks ago I crashed my car (nobody hurt, the pain is merely financial) and of course it’s effectively beyond repair so I’m now looking for something affordable to replace it. A barely blossoming romance became a punch in the face (nobody hurt, the punch was merely metaphorical)… and last weekend I slipped in the bathroom whilst holding a pair of sharp nail scissors and stabbed myself in the arm (this time I was hurt, the scissors plunged almost a centimetre into my forearm, neatly between two big, juicy veins).

I am just going to have to force myself to sit down, clear my hard drive, and start working on a piece of music… Or finishing a piece. Just fucking sit down and do it. What’s stopping me? The fact that my personal life is full of gaping holes surely provides the best circumstances, practically speaking, to get to work! Yet I continue to bleat and moan and pule like a donkey tethered to a fence in the rain! “I should do this,” “I should do that,”… My unhappiness is no excuse, and I know I’ll feel happier once I’ve produced something I can enjoy listening to….

2 comments October 8th, 2007

Goodbye, Timmer.

“Ben - i know you’re easily depressed - but life is fine, man - and there’s
nothing you can’t make better if you want to.
Jesus Christ - i just felt like a CTA ad or something but we always tend to
shy away from the outright positive for some pathetic reason.
actually (this is a retrospective comment), i think it is beaten out of us
when we are young. eventually your confidence - to do things without other
people worrying about you or having ago at you, just ‘cos they’re cunts - is
eroded or blunted, your innocence soured. but that is the way of the world
and the way it should be. i think psychological sensitivity is on the rise
as well - a symptom of our luxurious lives.
You are such a fucking romantic - seeing tragedies in life’s fleeting
moments - so do i and it’s bittersweet but i don’t want to feel sad. i want
to feel robust and energetic. ready to rock - however it turns out.
i do feel sad about human lifestyle and existence though. and i wonder why i
worry about it - why feel sad? is there such a thing as absolute knowledge
of things? when you know in your heart of hearts what is right or not right?
i believe i have it.”

Email from Tim to me, August 29, 2003

Last week I went home to Adelaide to bury my best friend. I was not alone in this surreal procession, not the only one to have considered him to be their closest - but I can’t speak for anyone but myself…. and so I shall.

On August the 7th, Tim was playing a game of basketball with his local team after having just submitted his draft thesis for his Law degree. He had been advised by his supervisor that only minor alterations were required - Tim was thrilled that months of grimly disciplined application to his studies had paid off. Minutes before the game was finished, Tim reportedly collapsed, lost consciousness and had a seizure. It is believed that he was already dead by the time CPR was attempted.

With no family history of heart problems, no known health issues, no dietary or drug related problems to account for the sudden failing of Tim’s heart, his death will remain, to me, a stupefying mystery. One minute he was here, the next, he was gone - at 29 years old.

I’ve not lost anyone I deeply cared about since I was 15, when I was a child, and not able to fully register what it meant. My Nanna had also lived a full life. With Tim’s sudden death has come a haunting and deep sadness for a departure which my friend was not ready for, from a life which he had just begun to explore. A cold, ever-trailing shadow for a sudden and life-long absence which nobody saw coming.

I am filled with this strange, sad sense that I have learned a great deal about Tim over the last two weeks. I have met his closest friends and family, we have exchanged stories and histories. I have seen photographs from Tim’s life for the first time. Perhaps I know him better now than I ever did. I’ve met so many people lately that Tim knew. We’ve all connected through our grief, and only time will tell whom will go on to forge relationships as the sharpness of the cut becomes a dull throb. I knew Tim independently of all of his close friends, and so only shared passing moments with them. It feels so tragically ironic that it is only now, after having spent time with these people, that my knowledge and understanding of Tim has been deepened through the relating of our shared experiences.

Tim held deep concerns for this world and his place in it as much as he bore resentment and felt despair, but these feelings were channeled into his creative pursuits and more recently into his resolve to enter the legal profession. His cynicism and his contempt of the culture-sucking, self serving and self-feeding western society to which he belonged was never an excuse for inertia. Tim plundered his own thoughts and luridly coloured ideas with an incessant, addictive drive to create, to find answers, and to come to terms with life in the fucked up modern world. These constant recollections, coloured darkly with despair, have floated brokenly atop shifting waters of uncertainty, a sense of unreality which would be desperate if it were not so palpable: This is all a dream, a vivid encounter with death and sadness from which I will awaken with my heart in my mouth.

Yet I have never listened so closely to the music of John Lennon, Herbie Hancock, Elton John, Stevie Wonder, Can….. and these songs are in my head. I have written short speeches about my friend Tim, I have met his friends and loved ones for the first time, and shed tears with them. These events have taken place and they were real, therefore the death which preceded them must have happened, only two weeks ago, and the dream is the life that was, the reality is in its loss.

The funeral brings a sense of finality. My beloved friend is underground. I have felt the weight of his body in its wooden box and seen it lowered into a cut in the ground, marked by a placeholder emblazoned with his name.

As the shock has subsided, the difference in my perception of my life has become increasingly marked. I have reflected on Tim’s own self-evaluations and realized that I too have yet to really excel at anything in life. Is Tim’s sudden death going to propel me into a frenzy of activity, a savage and uncompromising re-evaluation of my life, my job, my relationships, my creative pursuits? I am consciously, if not deliberately, presiding over my choices with a critical eye. I am telling myself that I must start taking photographs again, that I must commit to music more strongly, that I must not fall into a state of complacency with my job. I should waste less time and make more of the relationships I have in my life.

I am constantly thinking of Tim’s unfinished business. So much to explore, create, discover and learn. The ingredients were all there, the recipe unwritten. I share many of Tim’s expressed concerns, can relate to the dilemmas he felt presented with. With his sudden absence, I am constantly reflecting on these myriad concerns. I am still here, I am still unsure of almost everything, aware of what I am good at, riddled with distractions and failings like holes in fabric left by moths. Somehow missing something, never completely satisfied, unable or unwilling to truly commit to anything….It is one thing to be sure of that we belong here - yet it is nothing that we’re sure of, so we stay here in this traffic that we create.

The shine has been dulled, the sound has been muffled, the picture filled with shakes and aberrations. I hope that in time, I will find something bigger than the space left by his absence.

and so it ends,
with the death of a friend,
who was more to us all than we knew.
he was gruff, but he bluffed, when he huffed and he puffed.
timmer, my partner in crime, i will miss you.

Tim’s music can be heard here, at his myspace page.

Add comment August 26th, 2007

An Unexpected Agreement

Last week I decided that I have to look for a new place. The house I moved into is fine, in many ways - great location, decent size, reasonably safe and secure. The social aspect is all wrong, though. I have nothing in common with these people. The builder with the tiny maggot dog is easy going enough, i suppose, and pretty decent to talk to, she’s actually ‘ok’…..

However - I’ve tried in vain to get conversations happening with the other girl. I’m always the first to say “hey” or “yo” or even a good old fashioned “hello!” when either of us comes home. She just doesn’t seem to like me. Which is fine, because she’s a snotty little bitch.

The other night I accidentally left a small plastic bag of steak out, on top of the freezer. A minor transgression which represented a moment of carelessness on my part. The builder wasn’t home all weekend, so it was just little miss poopy-pants and I. got home late in the evening and on my way to the bathroom hit the kitchen lights to get a drink. Princess had left a note on the freezer door which read:

“Who does this belong to? Please fix it, it’s unhygienic. ”

Below these needlessly querulous and patronisingly informative words was an arrow pointing upwards. To my bag of steak. Which had been left exactly as I had left it, save for the small river of blood seeping from the bag into a neighbouring empty egg carton. Petty fucking bitch, I thought, before solving the problem by bagging the steak again and plonking it in the fridge…. and of course wiping up the sticky mess that had congealed atop the fridge over the last 5 hours.

The next day I had a quick chat to Princess about the bag of steak. I first acknowledged that I had fucked up and apologised for not being more careful. I then suggested that perhaps it would have been better to just put the bag of meat back into the refridgerator. You know, given that meat needs to be kept kinda cold and all, and then maybe she could have just let me know the next day about my little fuck up. Leaving notes can be a little grating, especially when you know you’ll be seeing someone the next day. Princess lamely suggested that she didn’t know how long the meat had been there for and therefore didn’t know what to do with it, and that really it wasn’t her problem. To ensure we didn’t leave this discussion hanging on a sour note I finished by reiterating my apologies for leaving the steak out in the first place and went on my merry way. I later made the effort to engage in some light chit chat with Princess just to make sure she couldn’t presume that I was all shitty with her - and because I knew SHE was shitty with ME and what better way to fuck with someone’s shit than to be nice to them when they are pissed at you?

Anyway, these two young ladies watch a hell of a lot of television, ALL of it complete shit. They stay exclusively tuned to celebrity gossip and talk shows broadcast via Foxtel. We are talking around 15-20 hours a week. I can’t relate to that….people who just work and spend the rest of their time watching Dr Phil and reruns of Will and Grace.

I’ve regularly cleaned up the kitchen after them, ignoring the pile of dishes which sits by or in the sink for days at a time. I asked Princess when bin night was yesterday - she had no idea. No prizes for guessing how many times she’s dragged the fucking things out onto the sidewalk for emptying, then.

This pile of small potatoes I could live with, for a while, but there’s a fourth member of this house and his name is “Memphis”. Memphis is a spoiled Jack Russell who often starts yapping at 6.30am and will always bark when someone comes home. Or the wind blows in a funny way. Or he just fucking feels like having a yap. He’ll bark no matter what time you come home. I must admit that I have partaken in secret pleasure when he barks if I come home after the Builder and the Princess have gone to sleep. “Good,” I think to myself. It’s always just one or two barks, the rest are muffled by the Builder’s hands as she attempts to quieten her demented little brat dog.

He has been away for the last few days, which has meant that It’s been quiet times. I fucking hate it when I’m playing guitar or reading a book or talking on the phone or just being in my room feeling calm and that ratty little mutt starts yapping the hallway. Fucking dog! As if you have a yappy little fucker like that in a sharehouse!!!

Anyway. I decided to just keep quiet and start looking for a new place, with the intent of giving 2-3 weeks notice when something came up. I’d be honest about the dog being the catalyst for the move and leave it at that. I actually looked at a place a few days ago - picked up funny vibes from the chick who lives there, and was warned that two Jack Russells live right next door and often bark early in the morning. What the hell is going on here? Jack Russells are taking over the freaking world? Who in their right mind would want to own a bratty little yapping machine with no ‘off’ switch?? Stupid fucking people!

So this all brings me to tonight’s hilarious episode.

Got a message from the Builder this afternoon:

“House meeting at 6pm. Please RSVP your attendance.”

I figured it would be a meeting about the ‘trial period’ in which I started renting here within. The Builder, once we had all engaged in some conversation and begun our meeting, asked me how I thought things were going.

What I wanted to say was, “it’s going ok, aside from having my sleep and general state of composure messed with by your infernal little maggot dog. I would like to suggest that maybe you guys wash your filthy, unrinsed dishes a little more regularly, and perhaps Princess here could stop being a passive-aggressive little bitch and actually engage in conversation about things rather than leaving smart notes. She might want to start making use of her door handle in her room, as well, rather than slamming the fucking thing shut all the time like she’s trying to kill a snake with it. I also wouldn’t mind if the both of you started paying a little more attention to the kitchen bin, because whilst you guys might be happy to let all of your slimy unused vegetables and dog-food caked cans flow out onto the tiles, I’m not really into that and I seem to be the only one here who empties the god damned trash.”

Already resigned to finding a new house, and not wanting to “make waves”, what I actually said was “fine.”

Lo and behold, the builder and the princess diplomatically suggested that we’re not on the same wavelength and that long-term, our continued co-residence may lead to conflict - and concluded that i should start looking for a new place. Which I was already doing. I was actually - gulp - impressed - by the way they handled this. I agreed with everything they said. Our personalities don’t match. We can’t relate to eachother. Nothing specific, just personalities. They have their way, I have mine, and we don’t match. So - there’s no pressure, but let’s get this ball rolling.

If this w